Freaking out

When am I not, really?

Last Saturday (so about 10 days ago now) I had a stomach virus that precluded me from doing a long run all weekend. That's okay, I thought. It was a down week anyway.

Then Sunday into Monday I started having back pain. It just felt tight, but I figured that was from sleeping a lot so I could feel better in a bed that could stand to be replaced. (It since has, though it doesn't arrive till Saturday.) Monday I went for an easy run. Back still felt weird. I made a PT appt. Tuesday it hurt, and it's hurt ever since.

Had a kidney infection ruled out.
Had major spinal issues ruled out.

PT and other medical professionals seem to think this is a virus. I've been drinking tons of water to hopefully flush out whatever this is, and taking ibuprofen and it hurts. It hurts differently, but it still hurts.

I've had massage.
I've had acupuncture.

I am beginning to think that motherfucking time is the only way out.

But I don't know.

I don't have time.  I have 8 weeks.

What if I can't run this race?

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I have meltdowns. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't write. I try to throw myself into work but that can only go so far. Also difficult when sitting hurts.

I have another doctor's appointment today, a sports med doc. Maybe I'll get an x-ray.

I don't know.

I KNOW back pain is like the most common thing in the world. But it doesn't happen to me. I know, I know, that's like peoples' response to everything. But hear me out:

I didn't strain picking up something. I have a strong core (or at least I thought I did). But my back locked up and though it doesn't feel as locked up anymore, I don't know why.

Back in 2008 I had a mysterious quad problem that didn't go away until I took many weeks totally off and also did the master cleanse. I'm hoping to not do either.

This is exactly why I don't like making my goals public. It jinxes me. This happened last year. I have the baggage of last year. I have the fact that I have solicited MORE THAN $4k from people. Yes, that is a charitable donation for melanoma. YES, it's a good cause. But I want these people to have some return on investment, you know? ROI for runners?

I'm freaking out. I really am. I know I'm a head case. I just feel like a horrible, depressed, immense failure right now. Life's loser.

This is what happens when a runner can't run.