Freaking out

When am I not, really?

Last Saturday (so about 10 days ago now) I had a stomach virus that precluded me from doing a long run all weekend. That's okay, I thought. It was a down week anyway.

Then Sunday into Monday I started having back pain. It just felt tight, but I figured that was from sleeping a lot so I could feel better in a bed that could stand to be replaced. (It since has, though it doesn't arrive till Saturday.) Monday I went for an easy run. Back still felt weird. I made a PT appt. Tuesday it hurt, and it's hurt ever since.

Had a kidney infection ruled out.
Had major spinal issues ruled out.

PT and other medical professionals seem to think this is a virus. I've been drinking tons of water to hopefully flush out whatever this is, and taking ibuprofen and it hurts. It hurts differently, but it still hurts.

I've had massage.
I've had acupuncture.

I am beginning to think that motherfucking time is the only way out.

But I don't know.

I don't have time.  I have 8 weeks.

What if I can't run this race?

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I have meltdowns. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't write. I try to throw myself into work but that can only go so far. Also difficult when sitting hurts.

I have another doctor's appointment today, a sports med doc. Maybe I'll get an x-ray.

I don't know.

I KNOW back pain is like the most common thing in the world. But it doesn't happen to me. I know, I know, that's like peoples' response to everything. But hear me out:

I didn't strain picking up something. I have a strong core (or at least I thought I did). But my back locked up and though it doesn't feel as locked up anymore, I don't know why.

Back in 2008 I had a mysterious quad problem that didn't go away until I took many weeks totally off and also did the master cleanse. I'm hoping to not do either.

This is exactly why I don't like making my goals public. It jinxes me. This happened last year. I have the baggage of last year. I have the fact that I have solicited MORE THAN $4k from people. Yes, that is a charitable donation for melanoma. YES, it's a good cause. But I want these people to have some return on investment, you know? ROI for runners?

I'm freaking out. I really am. I know I'm a head case. I just feel like a horrible, depressed, immense failure right now. Life's loser.

This is what happens when a runner can't run.

Really?

The last time I blogged was the 22nd? I am worst blogger ever. That's why I don't usually have a blog. I digress.

Partly it's because I don't like to post long things when things aren't going well. Much in that I don't like to deal with people when things aren't going well. A natural introvert. unless I have good news or something interesting to share, I tend to withdraw. Groups exhaust me. Having to be "on" exhausts me. I tend toward depression. When I run on a regular basis I can keep that tendency at bay.

Last week I had a good stretch. I ran 10 miles on Thanksgiving morning. Not pretty. But done. I did a (humbling!) 6-mile trail run at Silver Falls last Saturday (we will get to that in a moment). Then I took Sunday off. Then Monday I had the best run I had in ages. It was only 4 miles, but mentally I was there. I didn't feel like I needed to stop every 200 feet, like I had been in the weeks preceding that (okay, so I had an emergency appendectomy that took more out of me -- ha -- than I realized. but really, no excuses!).

But then when I finished that run, my leg hurt. Truth be told, my leg hurt before I did that run, too. It hurt in a different area than it normally hurts, when it hurts.

That scared the shit out of me.

The last thing I need is a stress fracture. With trying to raise all this money and 1) not being able to do that and 2) not being able to run on the basis that I am raising money from people who EXPECT to see me run? The hell?

That, there, is the worst case scenario.

So I went to the pool to do water running Tuesday and Wednesday. 30 minutes Tuesday. 50 minutes Wednesday. Thursday I took off totally. Well, I did some core work in the basement. Lifted a little upper body weights.  Friday I took off, but I usually take off Fridays.

Saturdays I do my long run. I'm playing it safe, so today I only ran 5 miles.

Well, 5.5.

Leg feels better. I have a massage scheduled later, which will be good. Remember the days when massage was a luxury, and not a necessity?

I'm blaming the lower leg pain on running in trail shoes that I probably should not have been running in, and the terrain being not what I normally run, and the streak of running I was doing while still recovering.

Let this be my whine of the day: I'm tired of recovering. I miss not being at the top of my game. And quite honestly, I don't want to even be at the top of my game for this marathon. I just want to be trained reasonably well and get to the start and the finish lines with everything intact and no bodily fluids where they shouldn't be. I'm tired of feeling like a shitty runner.

Okay. I don't really have much to complain about. I'm whining.

Let's go back to that trail run last Saturday. It was a beautiful day. Lots of fun people, many of whom I hadn't seen in ages. I've mentioned on my running club's message board that I am running Boston to raise money for melanoma prevention. Before the run started, my friend Mark wrote me a check, and it was really unexpected and appreciated. I tucked it in my jacket and thanked him.

After the run, we got to talking and he told me this story: a friend of his went to the doctor for something that he thought was a wart on his face. Doctor took one look at it and said, "I want you back here tomorrow." His friend had big patches on his face and neck removed--and still died of melanoma. He wasn't yet 30.

You never know what stories people have to tell...and when and how you'll hear them.

I'll really try and be a better blogger, by the way.

3 x Monday

The past three Mondays, I have rolled my ankle on my runs. What is up with me? But things happen in threes, right? Though each time it's gotten progressively not as bad. So either I'm rolling it less, recovering better, or burying myself further and further in denial.

Also, the wind was everywhere.

I'm waiting for the day when a 5-mile run isn't going to feel like a longer one. When an 8-mile run is just a usual run and not something with a lot of effort. I think I'm still recovering from the appendectomy and being out for close to a month, and a few other issues that I'm having a hard time getting past.

Hopefully time will make things smoother. It has to, right? I'm too young for this getting older shit.

I am also preparing a big fundraising blitz. I'm multi-tasking like it's my job. As I type this, I'm preparing a big email via Facebook to spam my friends about donating, listening to a conference call with my charity, typing this blog, and giving attention to Bean, who is sitting on my lap, purring. I feel weird about getting in touch with people who I haven't in years, but...hey, there you go. I did this in 2005 when I fundraised for my first marathon with Team in Training, and I raised $3,800.

So I know I can do this. I just need to remember how. And fuck shyness.

Right?

Here's my fundraising link again.

I was thinking that tomorrow was going to be a pool day, but I'm going to wake up in the morning and then decide. If I don't go to the pool I'll do a shortish but hilly run.

One last thing: I see weird things on my runs sometimes. On my route home, someone had dumped a big pile of black beans on a slope in front of a house. There's your hill of beans.

Forecast: Wind EVERYWHERE

I do a 4-mile loop on some easy days. Actually, it's more of a lollypop than a loop, so mile 4 is mile 1 in the opposite direction.

The headwind was EVERYWHERE. 

How does that HAPPEN?

My fundraising is at 8%. Slow and steady.

This weekend has been...kind of humbling, at best. Saturday, I did my long run: 8 miles. Today's recovery run: 4 miles. 

I remember when 8 miles was an easy run. Yesterday's 8-miler felt more like an 18 miler. I stopped a lot. Out of breath. Tired. I couldn't blame the wind. 

It's so hard when you're used to performing at a certain level and your body betrays you.

This is nothing new.

I should be grateful that I can be out there at all, I know. And running, for me, continues to be a roller coaster. What I will say is this: I am enjoying the ride indeed.

First Post

I've tried various blogs before and they've never stuck. This one has a better chance, because it's somewhat temporary. It will serve a function, and then it will end. So yes, my first post is about my last post.

Why I'm writing this blog: In 2010, I qualified to run Boston 2011. You can read about that here. I trained my ass off, and tore my hamstring with six weeks to go until Boston. I couldn't run. I thought I could defer, but I was wrong. In July 2011, I re-qualified for Boston. Want to read about that race? It's here.

But even though I qualified, I didn't get under enough to make it into Boston 2012. I blame the heat, but it's a moot point.

I deserved a second chance to run Boston. A Boston mulligan, if you will.

I was fortunate enough to snag a charity spot for the 2012 Running for Cover Team, benefitting the Melanoma Foundation of New England. I'm pretty excited about this. I have a family history of melanoma, so it's a cause I am close to.

I'm also pretty nervous about this.

My first marathon (I've run five), I ran to benefit Team in Training. I had never run more than five miles before that. I had never fundraised before that. I accomplished both my running and financial goals.

But there's a part of me that worries I won't meet the financial target (I have to raise $4,000). Or that something else with my body will go wrong before next April, 2012. I actually kind of hate talking about my marathon training because I always feel like I'm going to jinx it.

I will be training very conservatively for this. I kind of don't care about my time. I don't expect to PR, and I'm not sure I even want to (though who kicks a PR out of bed, right?). I don't want to embarrass myself, though.

Though I've run five marathons and two qualifiers, I've also had setbacks. Many setbacks. Probably more setbacks than races.

Three weeks ago, I had an emergency appendectomy. That went fine, but it was several weeks off running. Then one of my first days back, I twisted my ankle pretty hard. I've done it once more since.

See why I'm superstitious?

In this blog I'll talk about my experience training and fundraising. That's about it. If you're my friend, I'm on Facebook. If you want the abbreviated version, I'm on Twitter. And once I get my fundraising page set up, I'll post that, too.